Substance abuse and addiction - Weird place to post this I know

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lyz on October 26, 2008 at 3:56am

Hi Sioban...

I might not have a story...but I know I am not myself, due to a benzo addiction, I did not even know what "Benzos" were. I am slowly getting off of them. And it really stinks to feel disconnected to friends and family. I think any kind of drug can do that to you. My suggestion to you is instead of worrying for her, try to picture her well and clean. Visualize her wellness everyday. I understand this is hard, it is hard for me to do for myself. There are days when I just feel defeated. Try it, and see what happens. Ofcourse acceptance is a good thing to do,..just add some good feeling visualization. Keep me posted. And I will pray for both of you. Ofcourse prayer always helps.

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Permalink Reply by Sioban on October 26, 2008 at 6:11pm

Hi Lyz, thanks so much for your honest reply. You are so right about visualising her well. I think lately my family - certain members in particular - have almost resigned themselves to the fact that she is an addict, and talk about her in terms of addiction rather than talking about her as herself with the disease of addiction. I have been making steps towards changing my own mental framework of this.

You should be so proud of yourself in your efforts towards recovery! I can only imagine how hard it must be. From your message it seems to me that feeling connected with friends and family is a big thing for you. I would suggest to you to factor in to your life as much time with them as you can. And keep up the visualising. It can be amazing hey!

I'm just visualising you well and happy now..........................................
Will continue to do so whenever I think of it,
Sioban xx

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Permalink Reply by Lyz on October 26, 2008 at 6:26pm

Thanks so much Sioban... I will visualize for you, your sister, and myself. I really appreciate your kind words. You are right I need to be with my family and It is important for me to re-connect with them. Thanks for noticing because I did not. Let's keep up the good vibes.

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Permalink Reply by Roberta Pelton on October 26, 2008 at 10:19am

Siobhan, my heart breaks reading your story.

My mother was a severe addict ( I say was because she passed away in 2005; heart failure that could've been avoided had she stayed clean ). It started out before I was born, somewhere in the neighborhood of 1970, with a pill addiction, evolved into cocaine, eventually crack and by the time she died she was consuming even Benadryl at triple dosages just for the high.

Addiction does horrible things to people. I don't know my mother as a non-addict, but I think I saw glimpses of the person she was capable of becoming in between her really bad phases. My mom gave blankets to homless people, often took in freinds and family ( at one point she had my cousins and their mom all living with her - eight people crammed into a small two bedroom apartment ) and gave what she could when she had it.

And then in the next turn, she'd steal everything of value right out from under your nose. We had her and my step father staying with us for a few months in 2004-05, until they ( he's an addict, too ) managed to stell about $300 from us in moderate increments, and the breaking straw - emptied my childrens' piggy banks ( which we stashed up in our attic hoping they'd go unfound ).

Her addiction made everyone miserable. My brother is learning disabled and emotionally impaired thanks to her, and I have a host of auto-immune and respritory issue that have been linked directly back to her substance abuse.

The experts are right. All the world won't make a difference. You can beg, plead and cry til you're blue in the face and while there may be some recognition and some surface remorse, it changes nothing. Until your sister wants to get better, it won't happen.

In the meantime, I suggest that you work on making yourself whole, strengthening the relationship that you have with
her son, and the bond between yourself and your other family members. Getting through it will take the strength of all of you on the worst days ( as I am sure you know too well by now ).

There are wonderful support programs out there that you can attend as a family, and if her son is old enough to get what is going on, I'd strongly recommend that someone get him into one, and the sooner the better ( Al -A Teen and NA have great family support groups ). As the child of an addict, I know firsthand what a difference that, and outside support makes in the child coming out well adjusted and whole from the experience.

Am I well adjusted and whole now? Not really. Part of my hates my mother for the things that she did and what I lost out on growing up, and part of me misses her - or rather the her that surfaced when she wasn't doped up.

It's a long hard road, and I hope that your sister climbs back onto the wagon and stays there, for herself, and for her family who so clearly loves her.

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Permalink Reply by Cami Walker -- 29Gifts Founder on October 26, 2008 at 11:44am

Totally agree with getting family members help in Al-A-Teen... and Alanon for older family members. These support programs really can provide immense relief for people who are in co-dependent relationships with addicts. Just because the addict refuses to get well doesn't mean his or her family can't choose to help themselves.

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Permalink Reply by Sioban on October 26, 2008 at 6:21pm

Hi Roberta,
Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a descriptive and honest reply. Knowing how hard it is to have a sister with addiction issues, I can only imagine what it must be like for you with a mother who had addiction issues. I sense from your email that you have a lot of anger inside. I don't pretend to know what you are going through (or have gone through) but the thoughts that come to mind that may help you?? are...

- your mother had a disease and for whatever reason was unable to overcome it
- there may not have been any intended malice in your mothers actions
- if you are angry, your anger is holding you back
- though she is gone, your relationship with her remains.
- maybe make one (or many) of your gives a little drop of forgiveness for your mother, on the way to a flowing stream of freedom (for you!)
- be kind to yourself
- 'give' yourself a day at a day spa or equivalent relaxing experience

My thoughts and visualisations are with you. I am available to talk anytime.
Sioban xx

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Permalink Reply by Roberta Pelton on October 27, 2008 at 5:26am

*nods* Yeah, I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy only to hear what I already know... I have a lot of negative feelings that I need to let go of. Your words are near verbatim that of the Al-A-Teen program.
It's easier to say than it is to livem, and on some days, to love.
And it's actually better than it was. But until you've lived it... well, my brother became an addict, too, both through influence from his parents ( they used with him from the time he was twelve years old on ) and his own way of coping, but I chose something different... the harder road, I think, some days, but it gets better every day. I tried the route of masking the pain to cope, and that just didn't work for me.

I never bothered to try to heal from the years of damage until I'd hit thirty. Therapy before that point was useful and it kept me going, but it didn't fix it.
She'd been gone for a year at that point, and the constant harassment from bill collectors seeking her decreased, and various facets of the legal system, from supboenas to detectives, finally got it through their heads - and paperwork - that she was unable to be contacted to arrest or obtain funds from ( it's still an issue, but it isn't daily.. the harassment has subsided to a few times a month ), then I was able to sit down, have a good cry, and start writing it all out.

Some day it'll be a tool for self help for others, but I have to get myself there first.

Cami, I commend your drive to want to get better. I fell into the bottle for about three years, when things were at their worst, and getting sober wasn't easy. Finding myself in a place where I can keep alcohol in my house and not consume daily took a long time; I cannot imagine what you've gone through, and that you have come this far and done so much is a true testament to your strength and inner light.

But as you well know, until you wanted it, it wasn't going to happen. My mother never made that choice, and even when she said she wanted it, she was still scoring a fix. I haven't gotten to the point where I can feel bad for her yet - I'm still too busy cleaning up her messes.
I'll get there... it may take a while, but letting someone else have that kind of power over me forever just isn't my style.

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Permalink Reply by Cami Walker -- 29Gifts Founder on October 26, 2008 at 10:59am

I think sharing our experiences with addiction is a give. Talking openly in a public forum about addiction is a gift to others who are struggling with the same problems. I myself am a recovering addict so I can relate more with your sister's side of the story. I can say that it IS helpful if family and friends perform interventions and request that an addict go into treatment. It helps to lift the veil of denial that an addict must keep operating in to keep using if the people we love call us on our crap and let us know that what we are doing is hurting us and everyone we love. I think that delivering the message, "I'm willing to help you by supporting you in any efforts you want to make to get sober, but I'm unwilling to enable any of your efforts to stay loaded and continue to kill yourself," can be very powerful.

Then setting good boundaries... like NOT EVER giving the addict money (unless you're paying a treatment facility directly) and NOT EVER letting an addict live in your home and continue to get loaded and NOT EVER give the addict rides or help them cop drugs in any other way.

The only periods of sustained recovery that I have experienced myself (a period of 3 years once and nearly six years later) were prompted by ME hitting a major bottom physically and emotionally and I sought treatment on my own WITHOUT anyone else insisting on it. My employer expressed concern for me before I entered treatment the last time and offered their support if I WANTED treatment. They let me know that I was a valued employee and they were willing to give me 3 months off PAID through their employee assistance program if I chose to get help by checking into a treatment program. They did not threaten me with losing my job, in fact said they were happy with my job performance overall and that no action would be taken if I chose to say no, as long as I continued to do my job well.

I said yes and accepted their offer. Frankly, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep doing my job well on the course I was on and that I WOULD get fired for cause for sure if things kept going the way they were. I was suicidally depressed, had alienated most of my friends, my family was all far away and really had no idea how bad things were because I was a skilled liar and always painted a good picture over the phone.

In the end, I sought help because I wanted to get better. I chose to get sober because I didn't want to die.

I hope your sister makes the same choice for herself and will be sending prayers to you and your family.

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Permalink Reply by Sioban on October 26, 2008 at 6:43pm

Hi Cami
It was great to read your reply. Thank you so much for your validation that it is helpful to someone suffering an addiction to have friends/family perform interventions etc. I have done my research and spoken to 'the experts' and so many say 'you;ll just have to wait til she's ready' or 'she needs to be the one who makes the phone call to rehab' etc. I truly think that this is a societal misconception. People living with addiction often need help from others. the magic 'motivation' for the required change is often elusive and seems to be more elusive depending on the person's past issues. Yes, the person has to be willing. But I think society should play a larger role in helping those with addiction issues. We place people with mental illness in residential programs/care against their will. Why? Because they are not in their right mind to rationally and insightfully decide if they need treatment. Having had experience around many people with addictions, there are definite similarities in thinking styles and decision making of those with addiction issues and those with certain mental illness. Whilst the civil libertarian in me, flinches at the thought of admitting people with addiction issues (particularly drugs) involuntarily, the more I experience in this field (health) screams for the need of this.

Unfortunately, this would probably be unpopular with the general public for several reasons. Firstly there would be a significant cost. There is also a misconception in many socities that those with addiction issues are 'to blame' for their problems. Also, the general public associate 'addicts' with crime. Often this is valid, as those with addiction issues are often commit petty crimes to support their habit, or commit violent or other crimes while intoxicated. Imagine for a minute the following... Insulin in ruled illegal. Prices would soar on the black market. Many diabetics would do a lot of things to get that insulin. Now I apolgise immediately to any person with diabetes who takes offence to this - I am not in any way talking down about diabetics, in fact I have several in my family. I am however, trying to highlight the view that addiction (particularly drug addiction) should be seen as a health issue rather than a criminal issue.

My sister and most of the people I know with addiction issues are NOT nasty, mean people. Cami, you would know this firsthand. I mean seriously, look at what you have achieved with 29gifts. Amazing stuff. so many people with addiction, and their friends and families are suffering in silence. It is not a popular topic. In fact when it comes up in conversation that my sister has drug addiction, people don't know what to do or say. And mostly these are people that care about me. However, when I haven't shared that my sister has these issues, and the topic arises, it is surprising (and mortifying) the number of 'nice', 'normal' people who have harsh views of people with addictions. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh well, I am beginning to rant a little, my apologies. thank you again Cami for your honesty, it has helped me.

Cheers
Sioban

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Permalink Reply by Lyz on October 27, 2008 at 5:13am

Cami,

Thank you for Sharing...that was a very courageous story. And interesting that your work helped you through it. That is amazing. Well you attracted help when most needed and took it.

Thanks again for sharing.

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Permalink Reply by Ann Hite on October 27, 2008 at 6:37am

Hi Sioban:

My mother was a self-medicating bio-polar, addicted to several prescription drugs. My father abused alcohol when he was alive. My brother is a recovery meth addict of 18 months, who has only just reentered my life after nine years. So I am moving through this new place and learning how to live with a loved one who might at any moment fall down again. For me it is scary. I have this aching deep love for him that I've never felt for anyone else. But, I've learned one valuable lesson. I actually learned it here from BJ Elliot. Tell the truth. Once I began to tell the truth to myself, I was more valuable to everyone concerned. I am now learning my limitations. I have many :). At one point in my life I hated the words: I have no control. I now embrace them. They are my affirmation. As the oldest child and the only sober member of my family, I have to fight the urge to feel the horrible shame that makes me useless. My brother and I have a relationship based on surviving an abusive childhood. We now struggle to find a better foothold.

My prayers go out to your sister and you.

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Permalink Reply by Deb~ Community Manager on December 7, 2011 at 5:20am

Thank you for sharing this. We can give through pain and this will maybe help someone that is dealing with a similar situation~

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