"Without love in the heart, life is like a sapless tree in a barren desert~ Tirukkural 78"
giving - a fish hook
I've got a friend - an ex boyfriend of sorts - who lately has been hitting me up for loans. I've already forgiven nearly $1000 (just remembered this) that he didn't pay back from during the relationship. I now don't see him unless he thinks of me as a source of a loan, it seems - otherwise he's too busy (this actually happened this week).
I find that being seen as an extra pocket this way affects my feeling of expansiveness vs. scarcity. For the last $150 request, I looked at my bankbook, determined I had $135 in my budget, and offered not to drive there and give him the $20 it would cost for gas, and then broached the idea that it would be good to come up with something more reliable to help him through this tough time. His truck has a lien on it, he lives in an old trailer not available for a loan - and has a new car payment to make. He is working, he is poor. This focuses me on my own impending income drop rather than a sense of abundance, both not saying no, being seen as a cash cow, and this sense of mutual nickel and diming back and forth. Last loan of $200 I let him work off - and he then asked me to pay for a piece of equipment he bought to do that work. I see as I write here that this is not a mutual sort of friendship here... and that I need to be braver about saying no. But this sucks energy and I would like to be able to suggest something like getting his friends together and all of us doing a one time "pot" for him. As I look back even as I write this I realize that he has not been self-responsible here. It's not even my job to fix it for him. I do have the abundance beyond my budget to help, but it feels bad.
Suggestions for something more constructive beyond just no?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kathy in the Wallowas on -
As I hit send, having committed to give up my trip there and giving (not loaning!) my gas money and asking what we could do toward the bigger picture my e-mail dinged. He wrote back that he understood my not having it to give and he would get another loan on the remainder of the truck to get through this period.
So... I got to make my own decision, come closer to saying no without giving into the stingies, give something, and demonstrate willingness to think bigger. I'd still like more ideas though for ways to help that don't drain my resources in situations like this. If there were more mutuality I think I wouldn't have counted the cost, but under the circumstances I also looked out for myself, as I'm dealing with vast feelings of "no one there for me" - one reason I love the idea of giving even bits is that it reframes this so well. Loved the idea I saw here a bit ago about 'imaginary checks for $1,000' as a writing exercise for expansiveness. I love how these opportunities help me reframe the possible.
More ideas though are still sought for creatively addressing this kind of situation - think of it as a loaves and fishes sort of situation if you will!
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Permalink Reply by Kathy in the Wallowas on
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Final reply to myself (but still looking for more ideas from others) because maybe my experience will help others. This morning I got a note accepting my gas money but promising a "birding tour and homemade dinner" when I did get over there (it will help for context... it's 150 mile RT). In the interim I found three resources for low income folks to help with their electric bill (part of the issue now is power bills are high and they come when his Social Security check doesn't). The best one for him was the one where he could switch the pay date! (And he can ask for assistance if he needs to - he IS working but it's not enough.) So... win win win - and it really does improve the relationship to say no or to give and find an alternate solution. Feels more mutual at least.
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Permalink Reply by Alyette on -
Hi Kathy,
Really like the ending to this. You have a big heart. Don't forget to love yourself and give to yourself first...otherwise...there might not be anything left to give others.
Think you are on target...how does that go...give a man a fish...you know :)
Alyette
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Permalink Reply by Kathy in the Wallowas on
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