Day 1 (Almost)

In South Africa, the opportunity to give is simple because on every street corner, at every intersection, at every traffic light and in every suburb, there is someone in need.

They beg for assistance with dog-eared signs and paper cups. They are old and young. They bring their children who either sleep on their back or sit on the curb – numb, bored. Some are blind and need assistance. Some inhale glue unashamedly.

I have grown up with this. This is my reality.

Sometimes I ignore them. Sometimes I shake my head. Sometimes I pretend not to have money on me. Sometimes I talk to them. Sometimes I give them money and say G-d bless.

I once saw an old man begging at a traffic light. He was probably in his late 70s. He wore a circa 1920s suit complete with a waist-coat, hat and cane. Outwardly he was debonair but his face and hands told a story of desperation and despair. I think about him often. How he woke up that morning and got dressed in his finest attire to stand on a busy road and beg for money from passing motorists in their fancy BMWs. How does someone dress so dashingly for a task so demeaning?

I live seven minutes away from my office and on my route to work I encounter the same four homeless people – day in, day out. If leave my office to go to a meeting or for lunch say, I will pass another set of people in need. I guess my question is where do you draw the line?

I used to limit my giving to women only. This changed when, in the middle of winter, I saw a young boy shaking on the side of the road in a T-shirt while I was sitting in my car with the heater up high. I went home, gathered up all of my old sweaters and jerseys and went out to find him again.

I now feel guilty every time I see a homeless person and give, sometimes begrudgingly; to almost everyone I pass. I say almost because I refuse to give to a young boy who begs near my apartment because he sniffs glue and scares me. That said, I don’t blame him for wanting to numb his reality.

On Day 1 of the Challenge I woke up with the affirmation to give with abundance.

I gave to every homeless person I passed but didn’t feel anything. I wasn’t overwhelmed with humility as Mbali and Cami were when they gave to their homeless woman. It wasn’t profound, peaceful or comforting. It didn’t refuel my spirit. It was second-nature, a task or an obligation rather than a mindful, unselfish gift.

Then, after much internal conversation and debate I decided the following:

· My challenge has not yet begun.

· For this to work I need to be mindful about why I am giving.

· My gifts should be authentic rather than guilty or obligated.

· My gift doesn’t have to be financial. I could have a conversation, give clothes, food or a kind word.

· My “one” could be my five, or ten, or however many people in need I pass during the day.

I think I am on the right track and therefore, my affirmation today is that I will give without guilt.