Day 12 - 16 (Round 2)

First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my last post. So many people offered support and advice I felt washed over with care and understanding.

I am humbled by the kindness in that group of people. So, thank you , thank you, thank you!

These past five days have been a whirlwind of activity and an endless amount of house cleaning... will it EVER look right downstairs? No matter how much I attack it, it manages to be messed up the moment I turn around. And I don't have children!

I finally had some meaningful conversations with my friend. I am growing. So much more to go!

Sunday I held auditions for The Vagina Monologues. 19 women auditioned. I took the time to work with each one individually while the producer talked to the women outside. While assessing their skills, I gave each actress a few challenges and helped them to find themselves in the process. I didn't want the audition to be just about showing me their acting skills. I wanted to see the woman behind the daily mask. To let her out, to encourage her to shine.

It went very well. I am in awe of the universal power women have. Many told stories of passion. Some of pain. I was struck over and again by how our individual stories also mirror common experience.

It's like I learned I was part of a club I didn't know I'd always been a member. Learning this brought me peace... and the thrill that these women will be able to share themselves with a live audience... and in turn the audience will feel the very thing I did when auditioning the cast.

I feel my footing with my other friends is still on hold. I tried to contact a couple to start a dialog... we are playing phone tag.

As for myself, and starting self gives... I think this has been a process of looking at what's before me just about every moment. Unfortunately, a lot of housework is before me. I find it to be a giant barrier to my thinking process. I've given away many things... there's just so much more I want to release... but much is not mine/it's paperwork I need to hold onto for medical reasons. That whine said, I'm not quitting. I'll cull this crap out of my life one way or the other!!!

I find that I am longing for a relationship. It's been a couple of years since my last; it's taken me a while to sort out my feelings about myself due to that one ending. I feel that's behind me. As I work on things that matter to me now (like art and theater), I find my zest coming back.

My ex liked to point out how the things I valued were of no value. In that relationship I became smaller and smaller. But now, I am firmer on my feet. I find the things that matter to me are important. What I do with them important. And the people who don't support that unimportant.

In this, as I mentioned in my last post, I am definitely reworking the quilt of my life. I find I am pulling out things that no longer serve me. I turn them this way and that. Sometimes I put back in only a corner, some I toss immediately, some are in a pile marked undecided, and some are precious jewels that belong in the centerpiece.

I feel more calm about this process. It's fun to tear things apart and make something new from them, something beautiful, something that will stand the test of time.

A friend had breakfast with me over the weekend. She talked about feeling overwhelmed and the steps to find out why this feeling is there. She pointed out that under this feeling of being overwhelmed, one is serving an underlying need or value assumption. If you can define that, you can figure out if it serves you or not.

She also said that you can trust people TO DO certain things, but you can not blanket-ly trust people. This was a major insight that resonated with me. I want to be an open person, but to be so all the time leaves me feeling like I'm on the sacrificial table.

I went to PT, OT and Speech therapy. This is the best care, as I am working with people to help me change my physical state-- and how to deal with the permanent changes. Speech therapy is helping the most; I'm working on skills to deal with my short circuits. :) This makes me less stressed, which makes me more fun to be around, which makes other people less stressed around me, which makes things more fun, and around we go with that cycle.

I shaped my nails and later I'm going to paint them. I'm even going to shave my legs darn it!

I'm trying to get into the habit of taking care of my body first-- not waking up and rushing to the next 'fire' to put out. To do this feels luxurious to me. Incredibly pampered-- by ME.

I like dating myself. I caught myself thinking this earlier today as I washed my hands and took the time put on some nice smelling lotion.

I wonder if I'll find someone who can contend with my ridiculous set of health circumstances? What will they bring to my life?

I've lost a few more pounds. This is something I'm very much wanting to give to myself-- loosing the rest of the weight I need to loose.

I hope to loose 30 pounds by The Vagina Monologues-- set for Valentine's Day weekend. I am giving myself the gift of performing again. I'm very excited to change an audience by what I can do on stage.

It's funny, many years later, to come back to the theatre stronger than the day I left it. I guess that's just life growing.

Anyway, I want to again thank everyone who supported my last post. Your comments went deep into my heart and helped carry me through a difficult spot.

Peace and love to all who read this!