Day 20 & 21: Moving

Saturday night my sister phoned me up and asked me if we could help her and her husband move into their new place. Over the past 2 days, we have been helping them move and there's been lots of cleaning, carrying, packing, transferring, and did I mention cleaning? Yes, cleaning. The OCD/perfectionist in me wanted to do ALL of it, RIGHT THEN, but I had to reign myself in and hold back. This wasn't my moving process, my sister had just asked me if we could help. I was just there to aid or assist. Not control.

I find that a lot of my stress and internal conflicts come from this fear of not being in control. Not being in control of myself, others around me, the situation, the clutter, the variables in life, or anything really. It's really hard for me to take a step back and remind myself that hey, there isn't a right way to do everything. It's okay if things aren't done absolutely right or perfectly.

While I was able to contain my need to take over and start doing everything myself or demand that people follow my orders God forbid, (pats self on back), the frustration that steadily mounted within me over an extended period of time became very difficult to handle. It got to the point where I knew I couldn't bear it anymore and I needed to get out. Before I did something to myself or started acting out. The thing was, nobody was listening to me. I asked several times if we could leave (which we were supposed to have done long ago by the original plan), then patiently waited and waited and waited throughout the course of the day, and finally after one last unavoidably obvious attempt to suggest that we go, I couldn't take it anymore.

I broke down.

I went into an almost vegetative state and couldn't respond to anyone or anything. I felt so brokenhearted and helpless in my situation. That nothing was working. No one could hear me. I couldn't do anything. It was scary to say the least.

Thankfully I was able to eventually resurface after a while of everyone letting me be by myself to rest in a spare room. At that point they knew that I really did need to get home. Once my episode was over, it was more relaxed and we were able to have a good evening.

I wish that people could understand that anxiety, depression, OCD, or perfectionism, are all very real. There aren't just things we "make up" to get what we want or to receive attention. The last thing I want when having an episode is to be put under a spotlight. I am grateful to my close friend and family for getting me out of there & that situation.

My sister really appreciated our help and she sincerely let us know. It felt good to be able to help them over the weekend and to receive thanks. 

Unfortunately I missed my counseling appointment today, but thankfully was able to reschedule for Thursday. My counselor is a busy woman! I hope she can help me sort out everything that happened this weekend, and go over what the psychiatrist suggested on Thursday. We will see.

Until then, I am trying my best to understand my limits and recognize when I'm crossing the line into the perfectionist style of thinking. I need to be more forgiving and compassionate. Everything does not need to be perfect. Things can just be.

I need to breathe, relax. and realize that peace can be found within myself, in simply being. Not in the ability to make everything "right."