Day 20 (x18): Letting myself be held

Keeping with my theme to give to my husband each day for the rest of this cycle, I allowed him to let me cry in his arms for a long time when I found out that my grandmother is sick with congestive heart failure. It is 3:29 am here in Hollywood right now and I have been bawling like a baby since about 7 pm.

Mark and I have been so physically distant from one another for so long now -- several months, mostly since the final push on writing the 29 Gifts book and all of the publicity that is in the works. I almost forgot what it was like to give myself over to him and allow him to support me. As he patted my head and wiped the tears from my cheeks and the snot from my nose over and over again, it hit home that I am married to an amazingly compassionate man who is so emotionally available it blows my mind. If only I could tear down my walls and meet him half way, I think the conflicts we've been experiencing and lack of intimacy would dissolve in record time if I just removed the layer of bricks that I've placed between us.

It is hard for me to let down my guard... especially after I have been hurt by someone. I haven't learned the art of forgiveness yet. I have experienced the freedom that comes with forgiveness in the past from time to time, but I think the honest truth is I hold onto things for far too long and allow resentment to take root, which blossoms into fear, anger and rage.

Right now I'm just sad. I booked a ticket to go home to see my grandma. I leave next tuesday 9/22 and will return to Hollywood 9/30. I just want to spend a week with my grandma and do anything I can to help her. Make her soup. Fluff her pillows. Read to her. Talk with her. Whatever she needs that may help ease the pain and discomfort she's feeling.

I also want to chance to tell her how much she means to me. How she's been a great role model to me as a woman of strength and integrity. That I love her with all my heart. My sixth sense is she will likely not pull out of this illness. I think she may hang on a few more weeks or months because she has a lot of fight in her, but I think she's ready to leave the earthly plane....to let go. She's ready to be with my grandfather in spirit and be free of the constant pain she has lived with for years.

She's ready to be at peace and I know it's important to allow whatever she chooses to unfold. Death is part of life. It's part of this endless circle of humanity that unites us all. And I know, if she decides to go, I will carry her lessons in my heart and her memory in my soul.