Day 4 the Gift of Truth

I have a new insight to record today. I must say I am aware of the fluctuations of energy I've experienced in this body. The heightened energie related to giving as well as the truth of what it means to be personally to give. Today I prepared two gifts. One is a book that I am sending to a friend. This was fun because I know he will enjoy it. We like this kind of giving...........but what about the kind of giving that relates to the core of our truth, perhaps a gift that needs to be given, must be given but may not be appreciated or accepted by the receiver.

I will be more specific. I've been on a very indepth personal journey since April. This is around the time my ki energy, one water took its postion in the center station. If anyone is familiar with the bagua used in Feng Shui, my ki energy was in the middle. This is a karmic station when past, present and future meet. It is a time of transformation, upheaval and releasing of anything in our path that is no longer suportive of who we are and who we aspire to become.

One of the themes that has continually come up for me is related to the memories, emotions and associations with my mother. WIthout going into great detail, I will say that this has been one of the most painful and at the same time enlightening experinces. I've come to see all the games I've played, all the false beliefs and perceptions that I've adopted and absorbed. I know that in the past I have contributed as well, so there is no blame. We all have parts to play and in any situation we can recognize ego and personality. Once we do, those can be removed from the situation to heal and recreate at higher levels.

I was taught to be respectful and honoring towards others. Somewhere along the line that disintegrated into enabeling, not speaking the truth and a deep anger for person that continually hurt me. In August I received a great amount of clarity, insight and healing. I connected with all those limitating beliefs and patterns, resulting in a person who is willing to tell the truth, no matter what the cost. I have spent the better part of 36 years of my life, telling others what they want to hear, stuffing my truth and making choices based on what others what to see. No more. Because I have connected with those deepest aspects of my being, I love myself enough that I will only tell the truth. This is my gift to me and to others who are tired of hearing a lot of b.s. that they know isn't true. Clients who are called to work with me know this. I am tender, sweet and compassionate AND I will only be honest, truthful and sincere. This to me in a most valuable gift and one that we can learn to welcome. We may not always want to hear the truth, though if we are willing to, there is HUGE potential for personal change and transformation. I am a living, breathing example of this.

So my second gift, was being truthful with my mother. She is one that doen't like to hear the truth. Denial is often more comfortable. I know this and I have been gentle through my awakening process. Recently though I realized that being quiet is also enabling and support the undesirable behavior. When she doesn't want to hear what I have to say or she is intoxicated or just "out of it", she hangs up on me. Try as I may, I couldn't remove this "hook". This pain that I have inside when I am hung up on, cut off, stopped. So today, I did something that I never thought I woud do. I told the truth in an honest way, I shared that I could no longer participate in this behavior. I have been quite and supportive, patient and understanding and I haven't fully given her the gift of my true voice. This is a bit scarry if any of you have ever had to share the truth with someone you have depended on for survival, for comfort, for nurturing. It is not natural to have to go "against" our natural instinct to please our parents. I deeply love and respect this person and because I do, I can no longer particpate in actions that are not supportive of her. It feels quite strange to give this sort of gift. I've spent most of my life trying to give this person encouragement, praise, support, love, understanding, pateince and forgiveness. And the one thing I hadn't yet given was the truth. I did that, I shared the truth of my feelings, my insight and my perceptions. Will she take this gift? I don't know. I've been given a similar gift, by trusted friends I have asked and invited to keep me on track. When I waver or I am feeling weak, sluggish, angry, frustrated, scared, I ask them to remind me of my truth and my committment to healing. This is a gift to me. I want to know when I am off track, I want to know when I am coming across in a different way that what I think I am. I am so used to my own body and my own vibrations, I can't "afford" not to see myself from other people's eyes. This gift expands my being, it helps heighten my awarenss and brings my into alignment. Perhaps it won't be experinced this way by my mother and that is her choice.

To me, this type of gift is priceless. I want others to call me on my sh**, that sometimes the only way I know that I've gotten off track. Like beauty, this gift may be in the eye of the beholder. I can still feel the happiness and joy that comes when I give freely. This was no an easy gift to give, perhaps because there was such emotional ties to it. I feel lighter though, knowing that I spoke my truth and created an invitation for someone else to do the same. I do love and forgive this person. I hold the hope that someday we can learn to communicate freely, without fear, that we can all open into gifts that we may not want to hear AND welcome them at the same time. I pray that we can all get over our egos and learn to live in peace and harmony, seeing each person as a being of love and truth. I hold this prayer as a gift for the world.

Infinite Blessings,
Robyn