Day 7 - 11 (Round 2)
I have been lax in writing about my gives, quite frankly, because I felt that my heart was not in this round after all. The dialogs-- oh yes, they've been wonderful! But in this round, I discovered that giving began to feel like a burden. I thought if I just pushed through, and kept giving, the feeling of a burden would lift.
But, what happened was while focusing on others, was I stopped focusing on myself and I burnt out.
Last night, I exploded on a friend. A friend that I like very much, but who criticizes me a lot. It's all done in the spirit of razzing. We'd fought over this issue before. That I don't like it. This time to survive it, I thought I needed to let my hair down and razz back. That didn't slow my friend down. But what it did was make me less of who I am.
I discovered that my friend kept talking about situations that are unresolved in my life or situations that have caused me pain that have no resolution other than my acceptance that they have ended in disappointment.
I realized that my friend didn't want to hear stories about good things in my life. They talked excessively about their problems.
I was in a lot of pain. I didn't feel well. I mentioned this... but it was heard but not understood.
I found myself asking if this person ever said anything nice to me about me. I found myself yelling that I didn't want to talk about these negative situations anymore and I didn't like their going over and over and over them ad nauseum.
They told me I have an anger management problem and left.
After I cooled down, I tried unsuccessfully to mend fences - to have a dialog. I was very tired. This too felt forced. But I didn't want to have the situation drag on, I felt that would only make it worse.
But things got worse because I forced things.
I found myself texting this person saying I wasn't sure they actually liked me and expressing that it was important that they tell me if they considered me a friend.
Their lack of response said it all.
I had purchased something for this friend something they needed, so I sent a message indicating that I had done so, and would drop it off when they were not home when it came but there was no need to reply.
It's the kind of give that I feel I am pushing myself to do. But since I committed to buying it, I'll see it through.
I'm looking at my other friendships with the same kind of dismay. Somehow I've surrounded myself with people that are not my friends. I've seen the signs, heard the comments that send alarm bells off, and have not acted in my best interest.
I've celebrated events for others who've criticized me (the fit of my clothes, the style of my hair, even the gifts I've given them).
I've taken care of others when I'm so sick I feel I could drop.
I've given money to help others that I need desperately for myself; and the recipient was ungrateful and wanting more.
I've also listened to troubles, provided encouragement, given smiles, provided hugs, shared laughter and donated items to charity.
The last list was genuine and filled with love.
And yet, I am deplete of energy.
If all I prayed for in the Sweat Lodge is to come to pass, I must make radical changes in me. So I think it is time I give up a few things in myself. I'm not even sure what they are. But I know the first thing to give up is forcing myself to give to others when my cup feels empty.
I guess the second thing is to give up the expectation that friends will be there for me.
I feel I need to tear up the quilt of my life and start again.
This is probably just as important for me to do for myself as it is for others. I can't be carrying the hurt of ill-placed comments coupled with the pain of physical ailments. It makes me edgy. There is no joy in that.
I don't like being this stressed. So I'm going to work hard to give myself some peace and try to sleep a few more hours.
I hope that in focusing on self-care it will eventually reflect back to others.
Who knew that giving up on friendships and the way one has moved in their life would be so important?
But, what happened was while focusing on others, was I stopped focusing on myself and I burnt out.
Last night, I exploded on a friend. A friend that I like very much, but who criticizes me a lot. It's all done in the spirit of razzing. We'd fought over this issue before. That I don't like it. This time to survive it, I thought I needed to let my hair down and razz back. That didn't slow my friend down. But what it did was make me less of who I am.
I discovered that my friend kept talking about situations that are unresolved in my life or situations that have caused me pain that have no resolution other than my acceptance that they have ended in disappointment.
I realized that my friend didn't want to hear stories about good things in my life. They talked excessively about their problems.
I was in a lot of pain. I didn't feel well. I mentioned this... but it was heard but not understood.
I found myself asking if this person ever said anything nice to me about me. I found myself yelling that I didn't want to talk about these negative situations anymore and I didn't like their going over and over and over them ad nauseum.
They told me I have an anger management problem and left.
After I cooled down, I tried unsuccessfully to mend fences - to have a dialog. I was very tired. This too felt forced. But I didn't want to have the situation drag on, I felt that would only make it worse.
But things got worse because I forced things.
I found myself texting this person saying I wasn't sure they actually liked me and expressing that it was important that they tell me if they considered me a friend.
Their lack of response said it all.
I had purchased something for this friend something they needed, so I sent a message indicating that I had done so, and would drop it off when they were not home when it came but there was no need to reply.
It's the kind of give that I feel I am pushing myself to do. But since I committed to buying it, I'll see it through.
I'm looking at my other friendships with the same kind of dismay. Somehow I've surrounded myself with people that are not my friends. I've seen the signs, heard the comments that send alarm bells off, and have not acted in my best interest.
I've celebrated events for others who've criticized me (the fit of my clothes, the style of my hair, even the gifts I've given them).
I've taken care of others when I'm so sick I feel I could drop.
I've given money to help others that I need desperately for myself; and the recipient was ungrateful and wanting more.
I've also listened to troubles, provided encouragement, given smiles, provided hugs, shared laughter and donated items to charity.
The last list was genuine and filled with love.
And yet, I am deplete of energy.
If all I prayed for in the Sweat Lodge is to come to pass, I must make radical changes in me. So I think it is time I give up a few things in myself. I'm not even sure what they are. But I know the first thing to give up is forcing myself to give to others when my cup feels empty.
I guess the second thing is to give up the expectation that friends will be there for me.
I feel I need to tear up the quilt of my life and start again.
This is probably just as important for me to do for myself as it is for others. I can't be carrying the hurt of ill-placed comments coupled with the pain of physical ailments. It makes me edgy. There is no joy in that.
I don't like being this stressed. So I'm going to work hard to give myself some peace and try to sleep a few more hours.
I hope that in focusing on self-care it will eventually reflect back to others.
Who knew that giving up on friendships and the way one has moved in their life would be so important?
Comment
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Comment by Claudia on December 6, 2009 at 4:25pm -
Something helpful I learned along the way was to honestly examine my motives in whatever I was doing...this always helps me look at my part of the interaction in a relationship. Am I trying to get attention, control, validation? If my motive are pure and true then I know I am on the right track. When others don't meet my expectations or disappoint me, I try to look at those expectations, do I have a right to expect anything of anyone but myself. Boundaries will help protect you, too. Set limits of what you will accept and not accept in a friendship. You can always adjust your boundaries so long as they protect you. I love the idea of looking in the mirror and saying that you are a beautiful person, a child of god equal to everyone else and deserving of good people in your life. Ask to be shown what God's will is for you and then let go! You are definitely on the right path...but take it slow and easy change takes time.
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Comment by Sharon C. in Brevard, NC on December 6, 2009 at 11:35am -
I too have had to let go of a number of toxic relationships. I am one of those people who seems to attract the 'energy drainers'. They want you to give and give but do nothing to change themselves and just continue to vent and take out frustrations on you. So when I think its happening again, I pray for protection from someone in hopes of deflecting the negative draining energy they're projecting at me. I love people and I love friendships but I think I'd rather be alone than put up with their stuff. And I also discovered along the way that its OK to be alone. Alone is very good sometimes...... It helps to renew and refresh your-SELF.
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Comment by JanaHartwell on December 6, 2009 at 9:04am -
Cassandra,
Ditto to what everyone else has written before me! My prayers and thoughts are with you as you learn to let go of toxic relationships and strengthen your personal boundaries. I've been there and have let go of many "friends" that were not edifying for me. It can get lonely sometimes, but the added respect I have for myself is so worth it.
I am also learning to become a much better friend myself, partly by not burdening people all the time with relentless complaints about what is "not right" in my life. My tongue is getting red from biting it so much as it has been my habit to simply speak what is on my mind when I am with friends or family. But negative begats negative so sometimes it's better to simply pay a therapist so you can have a safe place to spew it all out. And if you do see a therapist, I highly recommend one who specializes in teaching cognitive behaviorial techniques. This way, you aren't just there to vent--you are given solid tools for creating positive change. Most friends who really just want to help are not equipped with the skills to inspire positive change in another, so they result to "razzing" (aka: criticizing) out of their own frustration for not knowing the right thing to say or do for you.
I hope you read all of these comments in the spirit of love and acceptance.
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Comment by Deb~ Community Manager on December 6, 2009 at 8:05am -
I wish for you a beautiful new life as you begin again. I hope you find true friends to surround you with joy and happiness and not negativity! You deserve that. You have made the hard decision to begin again and that's a wonderful start. Hoping you find peace. Blessings to you Cassandra :o)
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Comment by Alby on December 6, 2009 at 7:34am -
(((Cassandra))) You are being shown a great gift... the truth about your relationships and an opportunity to grow! It is a gift you are giving yourself. I have had several long time friendships and found, like you did, that they were toxic or rather one sided... that I did a lot of paddling and that even instead of being a mutual friendship... I was put down a lot. For me I chose to walk away from three of those over the past years... and I can say that I actually have a couple of budding friendships that are much healthier, and congenial. Someone told me early on "we teach people how to treat us"... that does not mean that we are deserving of anything that gets heaped on us... but we do have a part in it. So... you are very right about needing to make changes in your self. Your post is refreshingly honest and candid, and I hope there is some nugget or kernal in my post that you will find helpful... and be a gift to you?
Something that helps me a lot is prayer... any kind. The phrase Father forgive them for they know not what they do... helps me to slow down, hesitate to bite back... and ultimately what I've found... is that when I pray for others it changes ME.
Something else was learning and setting healthy boundaries. And I'm surely hoping I didn't cross any in my post here this morning. Learning how to deal with toxic relationships, and how to create newer healthier and mutually beneficial ones is a big BIG deal... it is a life changer, and I think you are gonna get this and come out the other side with friends who love and respect you, capable of as much depth and compassion as you are able to give. I hope this helps you.
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Comment by Madonna M on December 6, 2009 at 6:48am -
Hi Cassandra, thank you so much for sharing, you have given us a valuable experience that I am sure we have all come across too re giving. I was told once only to give when it comes straight from the heart, not forced, you need to take care of yourself first before you can others. On the flip side though giving to others or good service can help you immensely even if you don't feel like it so much. Definitely small gives is a good start, just smiling at others and at yourself in the mirror, saying 'I am beautiful, I am complete' is a really good start. They say smiling is the best medicine in the end... cures alot. So do lots of things that might make you smile or laugh like watch a favourite movie, listen to favourite songs, do something you really just want to do, even if it is shopping! Even if you don't feel like smiling... fake it till you can make it! lol.
As for friends, sometimes I look at people in the end as gifts that have come into my life to teach me something I haven't realised yet about myself. People are a mirror to you of what is really going on inside, even if consciously you aren't aware of it. Everything happens for a reason and every situation is perfect in one way or another... it's just the way it's meant to happen for good or not so good. Take it as just another experience in life's rich tapestry. Often the biggest lessons we learn are in not so good ones.. there is no such thing as a bad experience... it's just an experience. So your situation may very well be the best gift you could have been given lately.
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Comment by CassandraMadeIt on December 6, 2009 at 5:25am -
Thank you ladies for your support. I woke thinking I needed to immediately delete this narcissistic post. Thankfully you all read it & I wasn't able to attempt to erase the evidence of where I am!
I conclude that not only is/are my friend(s) toxic, I am as well. The self care round will be very (as one suggested in email) "life altering" for me. Thank goodness for life altering!
I also think it best to examine my cycle of giving: to myself to others to receiving. Are the waters of love flowing or are they clogged?
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Comment by Claudia on December 6, 2009 at 3:32am
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don't be so hard on yourself! maybe detach a little from those you described, try to stop forcing solutions and let the universe work its magic. in the meantime, self care should be at the top of your list. I am new to the giving, but seems to me you can't give to others if you aren't in a spiritually fit place yourself. Can you take a brief hiatus and do small givings to others, like pray for those that are unhappy, smile at someone you don't know and focus more of the day on giving to yourself. In my college years I learned hard lessons of friendship, many who I thought were my friends really weren't. As I got older I realized I didn't have to continue to be friends with anyone who didn't fit my definition of a "friend" and in time I learned to make better choices when becoming close friends. Just suggestions! Hope today is better
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Comment by Paula Swenson on December 6, 2009 at 2:29am
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Cassandra thank you for opening your heart and sharing your unease and pain, we often forget that the journey is not always easy and filled with joy. We often forget that pain is a real part of life and that we need to support each other and ourselves in times of stress and unease. I have been where you are, seeming to draw negative, hurtful and needy people into my life and getting nothing good in return-- or so it seemed at the time. I think now, looking back at it, that those people came into my life to help me learn about balance, about what happens to us when we don't consider others, how we become 'psychic vampires' -- I had to decide to not let those people consume my life energy -- it was difficult, and I had to learn that I was the only one whose behavior I could change. I had to learn how to say no kindly and gently, but firmly.
You have made a wonderful start for yourself, I suggest making this round a self-care round, as you say you cannot give from an empty cup. Give yourself full permission to fill your cup and enjoy loving yourself! Good people will show up to help you.
~peace and joy
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