My 29Gift Journey ~ Gifts 7, 8, 9 & 10

First I would like to apologize for taking so long to post. I would like to say that I have been too insanely busy to find the time to blog, but the reality is that I have found myself in a bit of a funk. I was pretty certain this was going to happen this month as I prepare myself for the one year anniversary of my husband's death which is why I was so excited to become part of this community. I had wanted to focus on something other than just my loss and thought this was a great opportunity to do just that.

And yet, each of my giving blogs somehow referred to my loss and sadness. I am still struggling with the loss of my husband, he was an incredible man and I was very lucky to have had him in my life, even if for only a short time. In the process of blogging here I have made a few connections and one of those connections made a comment that there is a sense of "running away and denial" in my posts. I know that writer was very well intentioned and in no way meant to upset me, but it came at a really bad time and kind of threw me off a bit.

It is hard to open up your heart and soul to anyone and everyone to read and by sharing the pain of my loss of John I am opening up my life in a way that I don't even share with those who know me in person. That being said, it is hard to hear what may be the truth. Maybe focusing on the positive could be viewed as running away or even denial, but right now I have to focus on as many positives as I possibly can. At the end of the day, regardless of how many detours I have taken to not focus on my pain, I am still left alone, without the love of my life next to me, without a kiss goodnight from my very best friend, to face another lonely night by myself which leads to yet another day of waking up without him next to me.

A year might seem like a long time and yet it seems like just yesterday that we were told that he had lung cancer. Some memories are so vivid that they replay themselves in my mind, getting the diagnosis, bringing him home from the hospital and hooking him up to the oxygen tanks, taking him to his first and only chemo treatment, watching him collapse on our bed and take his very last breath after less than a week of his diagnosis. These things are embedded in my mind and forever will be. I am thankful for all of the wonderful memories that we shared together but those wonderful memories make the loss that much harder. He is very much missed and the pain is still fresh which explains why it finds its way into all areas of my life, even a place that is meant to celebrate giving.

But whether it is denial of just self preservation, I can't only focus on my pain, if I did I would never get out of bed. I can only deal with it in small bits and pieces, with my therapy group, with my counselor and sometimes here with you in my blog. And the rest of the time I have to hold it together for the sake of my kids and even for myself. In doing so, please know that I am genuine, I am not trying to run away from my pain I just have to do my best to take it one day at a time, one tear at a time and for now that is the best I can do.

Ok, hopefully that all makes some sort of sense. As for my gifts they have been:
1/15 - I downloaded music to my daughters new ipod which has been sitting in her room untouched because she hasn't had the time to do it.
1/16 - I wrote and sent a letter to my grandmother who lives in Colorado and whom I miss very much.
1/17 - I gifted myself and my children with a wonderful meal (including dessert) and a night of fun family games.
1/18 - At church today I organized for me & my Sunday school class to clean out and organize the quiet bags that are used by little ones during the church service.

As for my receives they have been:
1/15 - A cute coloring page received from one of my daycare kids to hang on my fridge.
1/16 - My sister stopped at the store for me and brought a package of hamburger which I had asked her to do, and when I opened the bag I was surprised with two yummy chocolates.
1/17 - A wonderful late night call from my favorite uncle who always makes me laugh.
1/18 - My children cleaning the kitchen with as little bickering as possible so that I can sit here and write down my thoughts.

Hope you have all had a wonderful week and if I don't get to it today, I will for sure make the time tomorrow to comment you back.