Questions and, ummm, errr...Answers????

I haven't blogged since last Sunday. I have thought about doing it every day. I have logged in every day. Sometimes two or three times a day. Then logged out.

Why?

Why, when I was logging each day with joy and ease, did I suddenly not have the....the ability? desire? need? want? WHAT? to post.

Was I not giving each day? No. I gave. As mindfully as I could. Sunday I made breakfast, but then found myself horizontal, on the bed, under a blanket, drifting in and out pretty much the entire day. My give that day, was to myself. Much needed sleep. Which, it turns out, is a wonderful, THOUGHTFUL, gift to those around me. I had much more energy on Monday. And I was MUCH less cranky.

One of my dear girlfriends has a small side business making jewelry from old game tile pieces she finds at garage sales, Goodwill, friends attics, etc...She is doing quite well with it, considering she is a single mom of a very active 5 year old daughter who has a tumor on her pituitary gland that requires a painful treatment every 29 (I kid you not!) days, an ex who makes most ex's look like saints, a full time "real" job as a marketing director, and suffers from fibromyalgia. She hosts parties at her house and the houses of friends, is in 9 different boutiques in the Portland area and has a website. She was hosting another "come see the baubles" party at her house on Monday night and I was planning on attending. She lives, 3 miles from me, and yet we never see each other. I go more for moral support than to spend money. Usually I give her ideas for products and a "retail" perspective on running her business. Our shared joke (dream?) is that she will become so successful with this business that she will be on the TODAY show and be interviewed by Matt Lauer. I, of course, will accompany her as her business manager and meet Mr. Lauer who is my daily coffee date during my vacations! (I mean, seriously, who doesn't love Matt Lauer?).

Monday was the beginning of another week of having trainees under my wing and while I had managed to get some much needed rest on Sunday, the day still wiped me out. I wanted to just stop by A's house before the party (I don't DO crowds...you know, 3 or more people), check out her newest designs, play with E, give her a hug and be on my way...We had a "small" fire at home on Sunday night in Nick's room. Nothing proves a 22 year old needs his mom quite like flames shooting out of an electrical outlet! A friend of our came over and figured out the issue and switched out several outlets and light switches and I wanted to see what he had done. I tried to "bail" on A, but her text of "PLEASE COME!" made me realize that my gift would be to show up and support her efforts.

I hugged my dear sweet E, asked her all about school (WE GOT HOMEWORK TODAY!), and chatted with A's mom. I checked out her newest designs and stumbled upon a Scrabble tile with the book cover from "Twilight" on it. (TwiHards, you know the one, with the apple in the hands.) This is where I have to admit that I, too, have become a Twi-Something. My dear friend, Amber, knows my passion for reading and recommended I read them...Hello?!, In the event you haven't noticed, I am NOT a thirteen year old girl. But, ok...why not...what's the worst that could happy? I put the book away after 15 minutes of reading? (I have a 2 Chapter for books, and a 10 minute for movies rule.) So I checked out the first book from the library. Yeah, started it at 3PM on a Sunday and finished it at approximately 8PM the following evening. I was HOOKED. Read, literally DEVOURED all 4 books in 9 days while holding down required job...But, I'm not here to talk about Twilight. Anyway, the launch of the second movie was this week and both my friend, Amber, and one of our mutual friends, Denise, were going to the midnight showing (I'm not THAT big of a Twi-Geek!) on premiere night. I grabbed the tile and asked A if she could put a magnet on it...and oh, by the way, can you make 4 more complete sets of magnets with ALL the book covers on them. A has NOT read the books, nor is she interested in reading the book, and for the record, looks at me like I'm delusional, but a SALE is a SALE is a SALE. One complete set for Amber (or rather the remaining 3), one set for Denise and one for my BFF who lives in Seattle. Then I found a cute, waaayyyy cute, pendant for my BFF's daughter who was recently named to the National Honor Roll....Oh and I MUST have these wine glass charms with retro 70's style flowers on them for my BFF as a "thank you" gift for letting me "move in" to her house for a much anticipated visit in a couple of weeks.

3 gifts for the future and a gift of business to A for tonight and in the future.

I left after a small glass of wine, some brie, and a promise to pick E and A up on Saturday for the much anticipated "gift-certificate shopping trip". (Which was a fun time, for sure...including a stop at our favorite cupcake store...giving $$$ to a local business!)

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday slipped by quickly and I managed to mindfully give to fellow commuters (one of my favorite gives is to let one or two cars into traffic on my way to and from work as this would be a delightful receive from my point of view). I gave time and extra attention to my newest employee who had so many questions and came to me before reaching out to her co-workers. And yes, while this is my job, I feel special attention from me will get her to the level she wants to be at sooner. I recognize the potential in her and know that my investment of time and attention now will pay off BIG in a little while. I "gave" on FB. While some may say this isn't a "gift", I will say that I haven't been active on the site in some months. I read the posts, but for reasons I can't name, I have not participated. Yet this last week I commented on various friend's pages every day. In return I have received nice messages and "I've missed you's" that have touched my heart. Who knew, people took that site so seriously?

I gave my boyfriend the fun, vintage-looking, t-shirts that I had ordered for him and he was thrilled!

I loved on all of my pups and played tug-of-war and ball endlessly.

I had late nights and early mornings at work and managed to stay positive and friendly no matter how tired I was. I reached out to another team every day, as their manager is on vacation, and made sure they had no issues with the large projects that were on our plates this week. Yes, I probably would have done this anyway, but it is usually a quick, "Need anything?" call, and then let them reach out to me if necessary. But this time I picked up the phone every morning to give feedback on their sales performance form the prior day, and find out if there were any situations that required manager attention. I received a very thoughtful "verbal" gift of acknowledgment from my manager who appreciates my palpable commitment to the team, market, company. She told me of conversations she has had with other managers and reps who always mention the help I give. It's my job, but I do it, "soul to skin" she says, which makes it that much more meaningful to those around me.

I bought some yummy cookies for my trainees to celebrate their "graduation" on Friday.

I gave 10 kibbles to cats and dogs every day on FreeKibble.com (a site that asks a trivia question each day, one for dogs and one for cats and then donates 10 pieces of kibble per question to shelters throughout the country).

I gave Amber her Twilight magnet and she gave me a Twilight t-shirt.
My boss brought several huge grocery bags laden with food and treats for my team as a prize for recently winning a market challenge. Our win was a HUGE deal for me. I didn't expect it and yet we still put forth a massive team effort to rise up to the challenge. When we beat out the "obvious" teams I thought would win, I was shocked more than excited.

I sent my boyfriend off on his business trip with a kiss and a "see ya later" and then when I talked to him Friday evening I told him to just stay with his brother for an extra night so they could watch football (GO DUCKS! ROSE BOWL ANYONE?) and play video games (seriously, they are both in their 40's...oh well, could be strip clubs and smokey bars I suppose.) Just this morning I told him to go ahead and stay tonight to so they could see the pro games on tv today. This is a "mindful" gift because I know he worries about me being alone but I told him that I was in reading mode and just wanted to relax and nap and that I would rather he drive home in the light of day rather than on a cold, dark, wet night through the Gorge, which can be tricky at best.

I also gave to the economy with a quick trip to the Gap to pick up a few shirts for myself and the boyfriend...40% off of already marked down items! I got a great button front cardigan for $4.19...Seriously, I'm a bargain shopper. This may not seem like a GIFT, but money is tight, and I am actually in serious need of clothes. I realize most women say this, but in my case, it is actually true. I have lost a lot of weight over the last 18 months and nothing fits. I have cleared out my closets and drawers to the point of empty hangers out-numbering used hangers and what is left over is a sad assortment of old tattered t-shirts and too-big jeans and "uniform" shirts for work. I hate shopping. I really do. And if I could live in my sweats and t's I would. But the boyfriend has made enough comments about the state of my wardrobe that I realize purchasing a few items would be a gift to him, almost more than one to myself.

I finally received my copy of Cami's book this last week and started reading it Friday night. I finished it last night.

This leads me to the title of this post, "Questions and, ummmm, errr...Answers????"

Part of the reason I logged in and out so many times without posting was I had begun to question my authenticity of my giving. Was I being altruistic, or rather, as I suspected, hoping for a return of good karma? Was I doing this challenge for the right reasons? Why was I doing it? What did I hope to gain from it? What was I looking for. Was what I posted "TRUE" enough. Did it fit the challenge. Was I looking to be the change I wanted to see in the world?

As I read through posts on line and through Cami's book it seems as though many people, including Cami's husband and closest friends, "planned" their start times of the challenge. They thoughtfully went about it. I, on the other hand, just jumped in. Was I searching for something? Was I wanting a return on my investment that might have had a selfish undertone to it? Could I really open myself to the thought of giving for giving's sake? Could I open myself to receiving and the possibility of change?

I can't, as many can, identify with Cami from a physical standpoint. I am very healthy. I have not had to learn to live with a debilitating disease. I would like to think that I could be strong enough to push through, but we all think that I suppose, until it knocks on our door. And then, well, who knows.

I appreciated the truth behind Cami's story. The difficulty with living your private life so publically is truly a gift to those of us who have read the story.

The book will be passed on. I don't know to whom yet. Maybe A. She is faced with so much right now and admitted that right now she is suffering from severe depression. Is she open enough to see that maybe there might be a benefit from participating in the challenge or at least opening up her mind and heart to the possbility of giving to ease her burden. Maybe another friend who, while busy, lives a really blessed life full of friends, family, work, love and laughter...but deep down she is sad and depressed. I know this because she is 100% honest with me, as she can't be with anyone else around her. Maybe a different friend who has day to day stress, which we all face, but is healthy, has a wonderful marriage to a great, devoted husband, a good job, etc...maybe she has questions...My hope is that the book is then passed forward. That the book becomes the gift. I also hope that maybe the message can reach a few people to the point that they too want to make a difference.

So I realize that my giving hasn't been 100% altruistic, as I don't believe it ever truly can be, but I know that my giving does come from a mindful place. A true place that means I give because I want to.

I will continue with the 29 Day Challenge. Tomorrow is Day 29. Round 1.

I will look at the small, mindful gives, as a TRUE intention of how I want to live my life. I DO want it to be reciprocal. I want a good life in return. I want to be happy and healthy, to love and be loved. I want my children to grow and be the amazing adults they are already becoming. I want to coach and mentor the people I can, and be honest enough with the people who might need to change careers. I want to make a difference in my physical space on this Earth. I want to be mindful that I take only what I need from this planet and give back more than I take. I don't want a bigger house, a newer car (i LOVE my Jeep!), a fancier wardrobe, expensive vacations. I want to be able to afford my mortgage payment, be able to pay for repairs if the Jeep needs them, clean jeans that actually fit, and a weekend at the coast now and again. I want dirt to dig in and fresh food to eat. I want music to fill my ears and books to fill my mind. I want friends to laugh with and a love to hold my hand in the night.

Fortunately I have all that I need and all that I want. The one thing that eludes me is the PEACE/PIECE of mind that comes from knowing that I'm living the "right" life. That I'm making a difference.

For that I will keep on keeping on.

Tomorrow's give will be intentional, but with a definite plan behind it. Then Tuesday I will start Round 2.

Maybe there will be more Answers than Questions this time.

~Peace~

As a small "anonymous" gift for my friend, A, I will post the link to her site here...in the event that any of you are looking for holiday/birthday/just because gifts, or because maybe you too need a Twilight magnet....know that while she is a "for profit" business, that profit goes to pay for the out of pocket medical expenses for her daughters necessary medical treatment. She recently had to cancel pain management therapy for her daughter because of the almost $400 in deductible costs. The child's "father" wont pay his court ordered share and A is doing everything she can to ensure her child gets the care she needs. Don't tell her I sent you. I ask, weekly, how internet sales vs store vs home party sales are going. I just want to do something for my friend. And for her daughter.
Her designs can be found at....... agirlfromtheville.etsy.com.......enjoy!