R2, D5
Today was a challenge. I use the word 'underwater' to describe moments or days when, for whatever reason, I feel utterly disconnected from myself and the world. In Buddhist terms, the veil becomes nearly opaque. I knew why I felt that way today, but it still didn't help - I lay in bed for hours, my mind spinning a mile a minute, taunting me. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, and then I thought of Cami's story... and after that, "I need to get up, get outside, and give something."
Eventually, I did, though I was still in this constricted, little-me place of anxiety. Intellectually, I knew to focus on positives and gratitude, and I listened to several episodes of my favourite Buddhist podcast (which reminded me not to resist 'what is', meaning my feelings), but my mind still had its hold on me, and I felt really, horribly alone (which is what my mind tells me when it really wants to mess with me). I couldn't find any opportunities to give, and eventually, I defaulted to putting a toonie ($2 coin) on a shelf in the grocery store. Immediately, my heart opened, albeit only for about three minutes before my mind kicked in again.
At a loss for what to do, I came home, and immediately I knew I had to get out and find a way to give something else. I walked back down the hill and picked up a few pieces of litter (despite our spotless reputation, Canada does, in fact, have litter). Then I went to a metaphysical bookstore and looked for the polished stones with single words on them. I have two that I used to carry around every day: Miracle and Gratitude. The options in the store were limited (like, to three), so I picked one that said "Luck" and bought a small bag to put it in. I wrote a note, put it inside with the stone and then set out to find a place to leave it (by now, it was late afternoon, and most people had headed home).
I got a bit obsessive try
ing to find the perfect place, though I realized the absurdity of it. So what if I put it in the 'wrong' place? (As if there's such a thing) Thinking that way is a 'back door' into the limited mindset - it's not like this is the only gift I'm ever going to give; there will be plenty of other places. So eventually I decided on - you guessed it! - a washroom (there aren't that many public washrooms in my immediate area - one of these days, I'll have to take the bus and spread the gifting to a wider radius). At first, I put the note in the bag, but then I thought, "People will think this is for someone specific." I decided to post it to the mirror, so that when someone found the bag, they might leave the note for others to see. Then I rewrote the note and it took me like four tries to get through it without making an error! This is what it said: "Who you are makes a difference -- to the people around you and in the world."
As for my mood, something happened shortly after I bought the gift (but before I placed it) that brought me back up to the surface and able to access my toolkit. That was a gift :)
I know that there's a Giving Rocks project this month, and if I can figure out how to paint words (legibly) onto small, flat stones, I'll definitely gift them. Mostly I fear they'd look like beautiful rocks with smudges on them :) Perhaps a trip to a crafty store may be in my future. Not sure when (it's a half-day trip), but we'll see...
Hope all of you had a beautiful Saturday!
Comment
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Comment by Brian Kelly on January 31, 2012 at 8:19pm -
Learning to control our thoughts, which in turn control our realities, is one of humanity's biggest yet all important challenges...as a species once we are all able to accomplish this collectively, we will be in a place to transform the world we live in...I think this day will come much sooner than most can fathom. Until then continue to be a beacon of shining light for the world around you. Namaste.
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Comment by Elly Rose on September 22, 2011 at 11:02am -
Everyone of us on this site has had a day like this. Thank you for sharing your day and eventual shift with us.
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Comment by IslandGirl on September 18, 2011 at 6:10pm -
Wow, thank you for all these responses. I greatly appreciate the support, and it's so good to know that others wrestle with the same issues.
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Comment by The Flamingo Room on September 18, 2011 at 11:39am -
I love this post because it is so honest and plugged into the anxiety of wanting to be perfect: that "underwater" feeling (I know it well!!) is such a universal place. I really appreciate your putting it in words and also your efforts to swim (as it were) through it. Thanks.
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Comment by LisaV on September 18, 2011 at 6:42am -
What a great post - thanks so much for sharing!
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Comment by Kris M on September 17, 2011 at 9:38pm -
That is utterly and completely fabulous Sarah, as are you! I know each and every one of us has our own techniques when our minds start to rule rampantly...I breathe in and out with the mantra "Om mani padme hum." It's beneficial in more ways then one :-) You might already be aware of the power of this chant, but if not, or if you are just curious to know a little more, here's a link to a little more information on the mantra: http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/tib/omph.htm
I'm glad you got out and found your way of giving today!
Peace, Light and Love!
Kris
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Comment by Carylina on September 17, 2011 at 9:22pm -
I loved your determination to shift yourself by giving. That is inspiring me right now as I am going through a rough patch of resisting who I am and my feelings so I, too, shall search for a gift to give despite not having anyone to interact with. Maybe I shall go for a short walk and put a note in a letterbox of a property I love to walk by or ???? I shall have my eyes wide open. Here I go now!! Thank you for inspiring me to move beyond my resistance.
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Comment by Lois55 wwt on September 17, 2011 at 8:47pm -
You are such a Sweetheart and I would like to give you a (((HUG)))....I hope you feel much better tomorrow, and in the meantime, you gave the perfect gift today.I love the pretty bag with the note. Take care..xoxo
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Comment by Deb~ Community Manager on September 17, 2011 at 8:40pm -
This is a wonderful give~ Love it! :o)
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Comment by IslandGirl on September 17, 2011 at 8:40pm
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That's brilliant, Carelia! Thanks!
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