Searching...............

So I am really finding myself at this huge crossroads in my life. It's not just the moving. I firmly believe I am part gypsy as I have had well over 20 address in the past 20 years. Maybe it's the fact that I turned 40 back in July that's making me melancholy. It could be the fact that I am now finding myself homeless (granted that is by choice but I am homeless none the less). It may be the fact that I had to give up the career I adored a few years ago because of my health. Maybe it's the fact that I have really been battling depression these past two years and I'm finally starting to see a brighter day for me. Or it could just be the fact that I have no one to answer to but myself this next year. I know that I'm digging into something deeper here but I just don't have it figured out. I don't know where it's taking me. I don't know where I want it to take me. I can be anything for this next year and it's like the thought of that really scares me. What if I don't like what I become? What if I don't recognize my own self? I've always been really good at rebellion and maybe this is rebellion against being sick. I can be pretty brutal when I rebel, but surely I've gained some sense of control over the past 30 years. I know there's this yearning in me. I cannot put my finger on it. I cannot say what it is that I am looking for other than me.

I had my life established. I was a travel agent for the military for 16 years. I escorted group cruises for military and civilians. I had finally settled down with the right man and my son was doing a beautiful job of just growning up. I was working towards living my twilight years with my husband and grandbabies. But now I don't really know who I am or where I am supposed to be going. I mean aren't you supposed to go globe trotting and back packing across Europe in your twenties? Aren't you supposed to be facing a mid life crisis in your 40s or 50s? I am neither of these places. It just feels like I'm on the verge of something wonderful but if I don't do it right.....then it could all fall apart. I know I'm in an enviable position of being able to just do whatever I want for a year. But it's more than just traveling and having fun. It's honestly like I'm on a quest for myself and I'm afraid I might miss me. It's like I am my own last conquest and I don't know if I can make it.
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