Updates, Round 2 (or Day 34) and Rob's gifts

Good morning everyone,

This is actually our first official blog, even though we started the Challenge last month, so I guess we should start with an update, along with some realizations I've made on what I've gained and what we can give. Rob (my 30-yr old son) and I started our 29-day journey January 4 of this year after having seen Cami on the Today Show and reading her book. As I may have mentioned when I signed on, Rob is disabled (doesn't speak, minimal gestural communication and wheelchair-bound, totally dependent), as the result of a random shooting in 1998 that caused catastrophic brain damage. Prior to that, he was very much a giver, so I decided this was something we could do together. I could go on and on about what he and we lost that day but I prefer to focus on what we have gained and what we can give.

I read some of your posts aloud, not knowing how much he understands (frontal lobe damage = loss of speech) but he seems to enjoy listening so I give it the benefit of a doubt . . always, because we just don't know. So we do what we can. We spent the first 29 days (unblogged) giving donations and goods to various charities, Christmas cookies to neighbors, change for the Salvation Army, friendly gestures and compliments to strangers, days off for caregivers, time spent on fundraisers, etc. and I have to say intentional giving feels good, especially when it is anonymous. In reality though, these were mostly my gives, and I wanted Rob to get something out of this too. With much assistance, he made Christmas gifts of simple crafts at his day program to give to his brother and sisters. He (with assistance) stamped Christmas cards to give to friends at the day program, which he did seem to enjoy. But I continued to draw a blank when trying to conjure up something he can give so that he can enjoy the giving experience as much as I do. But then, like an epiphany, I realized he'd been giving all along.

I'm with Rob all the time, day and night, except for the two days a week that he goes to his day program. I guess it's true that when you're with someone everyday, you fail to really see them, you take them for granted. I've finally come to realize that Rob's real ability to give has nothing to do with "things", he can't carry someone's groceries, or lighten their day with jokes and conversation, or write them a poem, (although he used to). But what he can do is smile when someone talks to him, extend a hand to show he cares about them, and he can teach.

Rob was a sophomore in college when he was injured, with aspirations of being a high school teacher - probably literature (and a photographer for National Geographic during the summer months - that was his goal). He won't be a photographer, or a husband, or a father, but he can be a teacher. Rob's ongoing gift is his ability to teach everyone around him compassion, gratitude, humility, and perserverance. I suspect everyone who encounters Rob, whether they be caregivers, old friends, strangers out in public, will learn something unintentionally, They may learn to count their blessings and be grateful for their abilities, or hopefully learn compassion for others like Rob who may have been just as productive and involved in life as they are until they experienced one very bad day. When they realize it could have been them "in the wrong place at the wrong time" they may learn humility and (again) gratitude. From that, they will hopefully learn perserverance, because if Rob can perservere despite the pain and frustrations, then maybe some of the challenges they're facing day to day will seem more manageable.

Rob spends his nights looking at the ceiling, patiently waiting to be turned from side to side, unable to get up for a snack or toileting or to ask for help, the simplest things that I take for granted every day. Yet the first thing I see each time I enter my son's room is his smile, I know it well, and that's all I need. Even with all of his disabilities, he can find joy in the simplest things. He's been put in a situation where he's forced to trust that someone will be there to help him with life's basics of food, warmth, shelter and companionship, Yet, he wakes up to each new day with a smile. I can't explain it; I just think he must know something we don't know and I'm here to learn. He's my teacher and the most giving person I know; he is a gift of spirit. We'll continue to help him stamp cards and make crafts to give, but I think Rob is already very in touch with the effects of giving; he's giving at every moment, everyday. Maybe that's why he's smiling. ;)

I just wanted to give you all, my new-found circle of giving friends, a chance to know Rob a little better. I apologize for the lengthiness of this blog and promise not to ramble so much in the future. I'll try to get better about blogging, but I have to say my "gives" never seem quite as profound as the gifts I've been given and continue to receive.

Blessings and hope you all have a wonderful day filled with gratitude and joy.

-Stephanie & Rob