Wilted Lotus.....

Comment

Comment by VT Lotus on December 10, 2009 at 4:39pm

Thank you all for your beautiful comments and support. The giving to others is the easy part for me. It's my own demons such as long lost self-esteem, stubborn and intense biological depression, and many other real ongoing stressors that make things so hard and feel endless and hopeless. I've decided that I will not itemize my blogging and giving by days 1-29..... it will be life-long, as it's been so far. If I need to take days or weeks to 'just be'... so be it. I must let the pressure/burden of documenting go. I find it so interesting how my avatar, the lotus, seems so appropriate in many ways. I chose it for it's beauty. But there are drastic differences... I'm way too vulnerable by the impurities and my nights and dawns are distant. The ideal is purity of heart and mind... unfortunately not my reality.

"The lotus flower grows in muddy water and rises above the surface to bloom with remarkable beauty. At night the flower closes and sinks underwater, at dawn it rises and opens again. Untouched by the impurity, lotus symbolizes the purity of heart and mind."


I thank you all for your kindness and wisdom.....

Comment by Harriet on December 9, 2009 at 3:32pm

wishing you well and joy and happiness.....and praying for you in your grief and sadness, you are never alone! remember that!

Comment by Barbara Quin - Prayer Cafe Mgr on December 9, 2009 at 1:54pm

I think it sometimes seems hard to give when we aren't allowing ourselves to receive - make sure you receive from others - and look for unconventional gifts - maybe that bird on the ledge outside your window hopped on there just to bring you a smile; maybe that old man on the corner smiled because he knows - from experience - that everything in this life is temporary - and that we are all the same species - we feel separate when we separate ourselves, when we put up blocks and blinders and obstacles to what it is we truly want! Allow yourself to just be who you are and offer no aplogies - you have a good heart - you have a beautiful heart - let it show; allow yourself to be freed from your pigeon hole that you've locked yourself into...
Be blessed - and yes - very gentle steps when you feel wounded and afraid...

Comment by Laura Hegfield on December 9, 2009 at 1:13pm

Hi I've never read your posts before either...and my post today was about grief too! and I too stopped giving for a couple of days, because I had to just be with my own stuff...but now I've started to give again. Sometimes, we are in such a dark space, giving feels impossible...maybe more reason to give when we feel ready again. So welcome back indeed! I think for me anyway, grieving is another kind of gift...it doesn't feel pleasant, but still it is a gift that allows us to heal...maybe those days, I thought I wasn't giving....and you thought you weren't giving we both were giving what we needed to ourselves...there's no rule that says we can't be recipients of our own gifts when we need them! I commend you on your courage to join in again.
gentle steps,
Laura

Comment by genuine, wwt, welcomer on December 9, 2009 at 12:08pm

I haven't read all your past blogs so I'm unsure of your story ... but I just wanted to let you know that those negative emotions you mentioned are not banned from this site. Yes, there are people on this site who sing and laugh (sometimes I am one of them), but we also cry.
You are not alone.

Comment by Paula Swenson on December 9, 2009 at 10:39am

Welcome back Lotus, start small, inside our comfort zone. Love your mom, love Tess, love yourself. Accept yourself. You are fine just the way you are. ...and there is always room for grief, you are welcome to share yours here if you choose to do so.